Trauma.
In medical terms, the word “trauma” refers to an injury or wound. When it affects the mind, it is called psychological trauma, and when it affects the body, it is called physical trauma.
The word originally came from the Ancient Greek τραῦμα (trauma), meaning “wound” and its Latin counterpart Trauma which also meant a severe injury.
However, in modern times, the term was more commonly associated with psychological trauma rather than physical injuries. It mainly referred to a condition in which a person experienced psychological distress when confronted with a moment that evoked the fear they had once endured in the past.
Yujin brought up this subject for a clear reason.
“Like I mentioned earlier, if Your Highness does not become mentally strong, the chances of overcoming the demon’s consciousness will be significantly lower. That is why understanding and addressing any psychological instability can be of great help.”
“………”
“I apologize for bringing this up, but just as Your Highness has looked into me, I too have learned a few things about you.”
With those words, Yujin continued, his tone cautious.
“I heard that, as a child, you witnessed the assassination of the Crown Princess right before your eyes.”
“…Yes, that’s right.”
Elicia forced herself to suppress the trembling in her body and eyes. But her voice quivered just as much.
“There is nothing to apologize for. This story… is quite well-known. The Crown Princess, who was killed due to political strife, and the young princess who witnessed it all… Everyone avoids mentioning it, but most people are aware of the truth.”
“…….”
“And… yes, I understand. This is something I have to face. That demon’s consciousness shows me the scene of my mother’s murder in my dreams every night. It knows better than anyone just how vulnerable I am to it. If I don’t overcome it… If I don’t, then…”
“Your Highness.”
Thud.
Elicia continued speaking with a somewhat pale expression. But Yujin reached out and firmly grasped her shoulders.
“…Ah.”
“Look into my eyes. And take a deep breath, slowly.”
As Elicia met Yujin’s gaze, she noticed that his eyes were fully open. He often kept them slightly narrowed, but now, with her in front of him, they were completely visible. She looked into his eyes and inhaled deeply.
“…Hoo.”
Her expression eased noticeably as she exhaled. Yujin spoke.
“First, I apologize for stirring up painful memories. And, Your Highness… I have no intention of pressuring you to overcome this.”
“…What?”
When Elicia asked in confusion, Yujin replied.
“It would be ideal if you could, but it’s not something that can be done easily just by deciding to.”
“……”
“But if you simply bury it and turn away, it will remain nothing more than a weakness. That’s why I wanted you to face it at least once. No, if I’m being honest, I intend to make sure you continue facing it from now on.”
At those words, Elicia’s lips trembled. Yujin continued.
“One day, I want you to grow accustomed to it… At the very least, I want to make sure that you don’t crumble when confronted with it. I don’t know if that will count as overcoming it, but at the very least, I’ll help you adapt.”
“…Do you really think that’s possible?”
“…Let me tell you a story.”
With that, Yujin began to speak about himself.
“When I was around twelve, I lost my parents.”
“…….!”
The sudden, shocking confession made Elicia’s eyes widen.
“Because of a certain epidemic, I was the only one who survived. Both my parents passed away. Even now, I can still vividly remember their final moments as they lay dying in their sickbeds.”
“……”
“A lot of time has passed… but that day still remains a painful memory for me.”
Yujin spoke as if exhaling a long-held grief. He did not seem to be addressing Elicia but was apparently reminiscing to himself.
“Because of that, for a long time, I believed I was the most unfortunate person in the world. It couldn’t be helped. I was still at the age when I should have been growing up under my parents’ care, yet I lost them both. Surviving alone felt overwhelming, and there was even a time when I considered following after them because I couldn’t bear the sadness.”
“……”
“And yet… I am still alive today. Do you know why?”
Elicia opened her mouth to answer but closed it again. She repeated the motion several times before finally speaking.
“Because… you’re a strong person, Professor?”
“Haha, is that what you thought? Unfortunately, that’s not the case.”
Yujin denied it with a laugh.
“The truth is, I don’t particularly like myself. I often see myself as if I were a stranger. I don’t love myself, so much so that even when I talk to myself or think inwardly, I use honorifics. It’s as if I’m addressing someone else, someone unfamiliar.”
“……”
“A person like that couldn’t possibly be strong. If I don’t even love myself, how could I ever think of enduring sadness and pain just to keep living? This isn’t strength.”
“…Then…”
“I’m lost. Even now.”
“……”
“I don’t know what I should do, how I should live… whether I should even keep living at all. I still wander, caught in my own uncertainty. It’s not that I don’t have things I want to do in life, but if you ask me whether those things are reasons to keep living… I wouldn’t say they are.”
After saying this, Yujin let out a small chuckle and continued.
“I’m still wandering, still tormented by my thoughts. It’s because that torment and uncertainty haven’t come to an end that I’m still here.”
“……”
“I haven’t overcome anything. Sometimes, when I sleep, I dream of sitting down and sharing a meal with my parents, laughing together. When I wake up, it’s painful… but that pain, that sadness, has become my guidepost, my companion in this long journey of wandering and contemplation. It’s not something I can cast away, nor do I intend to. Perhaps I’ll carry it with me for the rest of my life.”
“……”
“Your Highness.”
Yujin met Elicia’s gaze.
Had he ever spoken face-to-face with a one-eyed person before?
For Yujin, it wasn’t an entirely unfamiliar experience. While doing volunteer work or carrying out his duties as an Awakener, encountering people with physical disabilities wasn’t uncommon.
And yet, even for him, making eye contact was something he was used to doing with those who had two eyes.
Meeting a single eye was different from meeting two.
When he looked at someone, or when he had to look, his field of vision narrowed to half of what it normally was. He lost the width he was accustomed to and was forced to focus on a single, narrow path. The more his vision narrowed, the more thoughts filled his mind. And the more thoughts he had, the more distractions arose.
Perhaps that was why.
Why unnecessary thoughts kept creeping in as he looked at Elicia.
“Your Highness… keep questioning. Keep searching.”
“……”
“It is okay to wander. It’s okay to collapse under the weight of pain and sadness. Whether you see them as companions, milestones, or even the cause of your wandering… it doesn’t matter. As you get used to them, Your Highness, you’ll find that you can keep going until your wandering comes to an end. After all, torment is a curse, but for those who live, it is also a blessing.”
Yujin spoke those words with a bitter smile.
“I’m sorry I can’t offer you better advice. But when it comes to matters like this, I can’t simply say what sounds nice. This is all I can tell you, and this is the only way I know how to say it.”
As he said this, Yujin removed his hand from Elicia’s shoulder.
Thud!
“!”
Yujin blinked. It had happened so suddenly.
“…Your Highness?”
Out of nowhere, Elicia wrapped her arms around his neck and threw herself into his embrace. It was so abrupt that even though Yujin reacted, he was left momentarily stunned and blinking in confusion.
Her hair carried a fragrant scent reminiscent of lilies. Her subtle natural scent was neither overwhelming nor sharp; it was warm and comforting.
But for Yujin, more than anything, it was simply bewildering. Why was she doing this all of a sudden?
“…Ah, ah…!”
Elicia grew flustered and quickly pulled away. Her face and the corners of her eyes were flushed red.
“I-I’m sorry, Professor! I didn’t mean to…!”
“No, well… there’s nothing to apologize for, but may I ask why you did that? That was the kind of action that could easily spark rumors.”
No matter how he appeared, Yujin was undeniably a man. And for a princess of the Empire to embrace an unrelated man so freely….it was an action that carried significant consequences.
It was fortunate that Yujin had no ulterior motives. If it had been someone else, how might they have reacted?
“Th-That is…”
At his question, Elicia turned even redder. Her ears were burning as she looked at him with slightly misty eyes.
“I… I couldn’t hold back…”
“……”
Hold back what, exactly?
Yujin had no way of knowing, but seeing her face, he thought it best not to press further. So he simply spoke.
“I… see. If you say so.”
Honestly, he didn’t understand, but he nodded anyway and took a step back.
[…That shameless wench dares.]
Tiamat seemed to be muttering something behind him, but Yujin decided to pretend he hadn’t heard. Of course, even as he did, his mind kept working, trying to figure out how to calm her down.
Yujin asked,
“Anyway, Your Highness, I know this must be difficult, but could you share your story with me?”
“…Very well.”
And so, Elicia’s story began.
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