Chapter 191: Blue Bird Part 10

Monia sank slowly.

She drifted gently into sleep within the cozy darkness.

It was all over now. There was no need to suffer any longer.

Just as she had once slipped into an eternal dream, this time she would simply fall into eternal emptiness.

As long as she did that—

I wouldn’t have to suffer anymore.

Tillis hadn’t lied.

In her own way, she had acted for the sake of the world.

In the perfect void where even dreams didn’t exist, there was no fear.

All that was left was to savor the feeling of herself slowly scattering away.

Tillis’s own version of world peace.

It was no different from world annihilation, but the method was so gentle.

And so, Monia no longer had to think about anything at all.

But…

“Why…?”

She could see the person holding onto her arm.

For her, who was slipping limply into the shadows, that touch was only an annoyance.

“Why won’t you let me go?”

“Since your mouth’s still working, I guess I’m not too late.”

Monia saw Johan, straining to pull her back as he gripped her arm.

Why wouldn’t he give up? Why was he trying to save her?

She wasn’t worth it.

She was far more pathetic than Johan Damus, the man she had mocked and criticized to no end.

If she had no worth, no will to live, then why should she go on living at all?

“Just give up. What can you even do? Even if you pull me out of here, it won’t mean anything.”

“I swear, in my whole life, I’ve never met anyone as infuriating as you.”

Johan was straining to pull her up by the arm, but it was pointless.

This shadow was an entire world.

Saving someone who was sinking into the world itself was impossible.

All you could do was sink right along with them.

“I don’t want to live anymore.”

“Yeah? Life must’ve been rough, huh. I can understand that.”

“Then…”

“But that’s still no reason for someone to die.”

A searing pain, as if burned by fire.

Monia felt pain spreading from the arm Johan was gripping.

He was starting to lose his strength, unable even to control the force of his grip.

“No reason to live? Then let me ask you. How many people in this world do you think are alive because they have some great reason to be?”

“…….”

“You think those people are alive because they’re so smart? It’s because they’re afraid to die. That’s all. But look, Johan. Here, you don’t have to feel fear or pain anymore.”

“Well, I guess that’s one way to look at it.”

Johan didn’t outright deny her words; he just sneered faintly.

After all, he himself had been someone who avoided pain and fear whenever he could.

“But I think differently. The ultimate reason people want to live isn’t because they’re afraid of dying.”

Monia stared at Johan with a blank expression. The man’s face was twisted with effort.

It was ugly and pitiful, yet completely free of even a single cloud.

“Because someone told me they needed me. And because I too needed someone else. That’s why we live. Because we need each other.”

Johan had lived for Chris.

He had lived for Alice’s legacy.

He had wanted to save someone, to listen to someone’s will.

That was why he kept going.

“Just living is something anyone can do. But why do we want to live, how we choose to live….that’s all decided by looking at other people.”

It could be a desire for recognition, or admiration, or competition.

Or maybe it’s taking a lesson from someone’s mistakes, or even from an enemy.

You don’t have to find the driving force of life only within yourself.

“Monia, right now, I need you. Not anyone else. You, the person who’s been in pain. I need you.”

“…….”

“You might hate me. Honestly, I hate you too. But let me ask you one thing. Why were you in pain?”

“Because… because my sister isn’t in this world anymore.”

“Then why did you work so hard back then?”

“Because… I wanted to live well…”

“With who?”

“……”

Johan smiled.

Monia barely had time to feel puzzled by that sudden smile—

Splash!

Johan pulled Monia up out of the void.

“How…?”

She couldn’t understand.

The shadow felt like it could melt the world itself, its pull as heavy as if it swallowed everything whole.

How had Johan managed to pull her out of it?

“Because you must’ve found a reason to live.”

“…….”

“Listening to me must’ve made you think about showing your beloved family the proud self they loved.”

Monia couldn’t deny it.

At Johan’s final question, she remembered her dream again.

She had been someone who lived because the time spent with her sister Luda was precious to her.

Though Luda was no longer in this world, the traces she left behind still remained.

Not in things or objects, not even in habits of mind—Luda had already become Monia’s world.

Because she had become part of the world that made up Monia, she hadn’t disappeared.

And so—

She had to live.

At the very least, to face her sister without shame.

“I…”

Monia had rolled in the mud and flailed in ugliness.

And after rolling and rolling, at last she had sunk into the cold reality.

She had wanted to die for a long time.

But what had kept her alive all this time was her sister, Luda.

And whether she liked it or not…

“What am I supposed to do?”

“Nice to see you’re being cooperative.”

In front of her stood Johan Damus, staring blankly and smiling.

***

Return Tillis’s emotions.

That was the one thing that had to be done before trying to persuade her.

No matter what, words only work when they can actually reach someone.

And for that, the contract with Mastema had to be broken.

Now then, two problems arose from that.

First: how to find Tillis.

Second: how to convince someone who couldn’t even be reasoned with.

I had no plan for either.

From the very beginning, this entire situation was something I had never even imagined.

If there was anything I could rely on, it was only the blue feathers that had guided me again and again until now.

It was no different from hoping for a miracle.

But even if a miracle really did happen, there was still one fatal problem.

“I’m not confident I can persuade Tillis.”

“So you’re leaving that to me?”

“Yeah.”

“What kind of nonsense is that?”

I could not persuade Tillis.

I was missing the most important factor.

“My words carry no weight. It’s like someone living comfortably trying to pity kids in the slums….people just see it as disgusting.”

Of course, it’s not like I’ve had an easy life either. But convincing others of that is hard.

Even if my past life ended in misery, in this one, I’m living a fairly privileged life.

No matter what I say, it’ll just sound like the empty words of someone who has plenty.

That’s why I needed Monia.

Only someone like her who’s lost everything and been thrown into harsh reality could truly persuade Tillis.

“Because pain is only understood by someone who’s felt the same pain.”

“……”

Monia’s expression twisted into a grimace.

There was an indescribable disgust in the way she looked at me.

I didn’t care.

It’s not like we were ever close anyway.

I don’t believe we can make peace now, not after everything.

“Yeah, I figured. I know.”

“Then you can go ahead and do it, right?”

“…Honestly, I still think I should’ve killed you back then.”

“Coming from someone with your record, that’s an awfully violent thought.”

“Ha! Look who’s talking. Don’t think I don’t know. You’re a demon contractor too.”

“I never made a contract.”

“But you were chosen by a demon, weren’t you? That still makes you the same kind of trash as me, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah, do whatever you want. At least I didn’t sell my soul.”

“Look at you talking back for someone who just said to do whatever I want.”

“Well, I’m just saying whatever I want too.”

Seriously, she owes her life to me, and she still has to get the last word in.

“Alright, anyway, let’s leave it at that.”

I cut off Monia, who was about to keep grumbling, and pointed at the blue feather in front of us.

“Are you ready?”

“No.”

“Perfect.”

“What?”

It’s when you’re unprepared that the most honest answers come out.

***

As expected, Tillis was at the place we arrived at, guided by the feather.

“Hello there.”

Tillis greeted us with a bright smile.

Unlike before, she stood atop a desolate ruin and said,

“So, how did you get here?”

“We were sent by the former Demon King. He says you’re unqualified.”

“Unqualified? I’ve already achieved my goal. Why would I need qualifications?”

“The fact that we’re walking around here like this makes it hard to say your goal was a success.”

“…That’s true, I guess? How did you not get swallowed by the shadows?”

Tillis tilted her head.

What was disturbing at this point was that she still seemed relatively lucid.

Most people, Monia included, had been completely swallowed by the shadows.

Their minds were hazy, and they didn’t even know what was happening to them.

But Tillis is different. She is the one who governs this shadow.

Becoming the Demon King, in a way, meant bearing the weight of an entire world.

“Well, we have plenty of time. Since it’s a rare chance, why don’t we talk a bit?”

“I don’t think I can win a debate against you, Mr. Johan.”

“No need to worry about that. This friend of mine will do the talking.”

“Why am I your friend?”

“She says she’s not.”

“That’s right. Don’t make things complicated just to be contrary. Do your best.”

She really needs to break that habit of automatically rejecting everything I say.

“…Well, fine. I was bored anyway.”

Tillis agreed with a bright smile, as if welcoming an old friend.

That dissonance is frightening.

Did she really not understand that she’s destined to guard this world alone, forever?

Whatever the case, things were out of my hands now.

I’d done my best to bring in someone who could handle this. Now all I could do was watch.

“…Hello.”

“Yes, the contractor of Shax. I didn’t expect we’d meet again like this.”

“Yeah, me neither.”

Monia replied hesitantly.

She showed a level of politeness and distance completely different from how she acted with me.

“I spent some time thinking about what I should say first. And I decided I’d like to tell you my story.”

“Is that so? Go ahead.”

“I’m from the slums.”

Monia began to speak.

She laid out the story of her life—

From the smallest, most trivial details to the moments that left lasting marks on her.

She unfolded the story of her life. Sometimes with a note of joy, sometimes tinged with sorrow.

“When my sister died, I ran away into dreams. I couldn’t bear to accept the reality that she was gone.”

“I see.”

“And what do you think happened next?”

Monia kept her smile.

But on her face appeared an emotion no smile could cover.

A twisted expression, heavy with unshed tears.

“When I woke from that dream, I had lost even the last thing left to me. I didn’t even realize I still had something until it was gone.”

“……”

“I heard you lived a life similar to mine, Lady Tillis.”

“Well, there are some similarities, yes.”

Even in the face of such a harrowing story, Tillis seemed untouched.

No, she seemed not even to understand.

“To be honest, I thought I had no reason to live anymore. But do you know why someone like me still kept on living so pathetically until now?”

“What was it?”

“Revenge. I was looking for someone to take out my anger on.”

“That’s not exactly admirable.”

“But in the end, I gave up even on that. The truth is, I’d always known it was wrong. So, having lost the meaning of life and even the target of my resentment… why is it that I’m standing here now, still wanting to live?”

Monia finally took my hand and rose from the void.

It wasn’t that I had pulled her out—

It would be more accurate to say she had stepped out by her own will.

“I’m still in pain.”

“…In that case, why did you reject the void and come here instead of accepting it?”

“Because I have memories. The memories of living with my sister are so vivid that they hurt, but it’s because of those memories that I can find the will to live.”

“But… you said your sister already passed away.”

“Yes.”

Monia smiled.

The strained smile she had forced through a twisted expression gradually turned into something real.

“It hurt because I had happy memories. But even though it hurt, I could endure it. Because I had those happy memories.”

“……”

“Pain, happiness, joy….they were all connected in the end. That’s why I want to ask you something, Lady Tillis.”

Then, with a steady, unwavering smile, Monia asked her question.

“Do you remember the happiest moment of your life?”

“I…”

Tillis couldn’t answer.

All her memories had been painted over in gray. She couldn’t tell which moments were happy or which were sad.

“I’m not sure…”

In the end, she had no answer.

And in seeing that about herself, she finally realized—

“I don’t know anything.”

She hadn’t been able to answer Monia’s question at all.

She hadn’t understood a single part of the life that girl had lived, a life so similar to her own.

She didn’t understand what that twisted, yet ultimately smiling expression meant.

She felt ashamed.

Was that why?

“I…”

Tillis turned her head without thinking.

Mastema was always there behind her.

She saw the demon’s wings spread wide, as if to shield her—

And the tears it shed.

A being that cried for her.

For the first time, she looked directly into its eyes.

And in those eyes, she saw her reflection.

“…I really didn’t know anything.”

The person reflected in those eyes—

“I didn’t even realize I was in pain.”

She was crying tears of blood, just like Mastema.

“I didn’t know the bluebird was this close, either…”

Tillis gently grasped one of Mastema’s feathers.

Like a child holding a parent’s hand.

Only then did she finally recognize the being who had always protected her.