“Johan, you’ve really grown up.”
“And you haven’t changed at all since then.”
“Well, I died back then.”
“……”
“Oh! I probably shouldn’t have put it that way. I should’ve said time stopped for me instead. Did that hurt?”
“A little.”
I hadn’t expected her to talk about her own death so casually.
“So your body’s grown up, but you’re still as soft as ever, huh? Good grief. How are you ever going to survive without your big sister?”
“I’m older than you.”
“Then you shouldn’t have acted like such a kid.”
“Could you at least say I’m emotionally sensitive?”
“Crybaby. Coward.”
Was this really all we had to say to each other after finally meeting again?
Then again, this was much closer to the Alice I remembered. A little airheaded, stubborn, and with an awful personality…that was Alice.
“You’re one to talk, aren’t you? Johan, you don’t seriously think I can’t read what you’re thinking, do you?”
“Go ahead.”
I wasn’t hiding anything. It wasn’t like I had any privacy to begin with.
My body was practically public property at this point.
Yuna, Ariel, and now even Emily. Freedom was a luxury I no longer had. I didn’t have the strength or the authority to rebel.
Well, I had gotten stronger…
But wasn’t I basically on death’s door right now?
At this rate, the girls might end up having to nurse me back to health.
…That might not be so bad.
“Johan, are you happy now?”
“I think so.”
“You’re not very sure.”
I was happy, but life was also hard. It was hard, but it was also enjoyable. It wasn’t something I could sum up in a single word.
“I wanted you to go on all kinds of wonderful adventures and find happiness.”
“Did you?”
“I hoped that even if you could never forget me, you’d overcome the pain of losing me and find someone new to love.”
“Ah… um…”
This was not a topic that worked in my favor.
“I just… wasn’t expecting quite this much.”
See? I knew this was coming.
If I had to defend myself, though, it wasn’t like I’d wanted things to end up this way.
It was simply the fate of a noble.
“You don’t dislike them, though… do you?”
“……”
“Yeah. I figured as much.”
Even if I had ten mouths, I wouldn’t have a single excuse to make.
It wasn’t as though I’d never had feelings for them, whether I’d taken the initiative or not.
I’d come to accept that some things simply couldn’t be helped. And really, what else could I have done?
It’s not easy to push away someone who genuinely likes you.
“That just means you’re an easy mark, Johan.”
“Yeah, I’m the bastard here.”
It was all my fault.
What exactly had I done wrong? I had no idea. Everyone just kept telling me I was the bad guy.
“Isn’t it even worse if you don’t know what you did wrong?”
“I told you, I don’t know.”
“Pfft—hahaha!”
Alice threw herself down across the gray boundary line and burst into laughter.
“It’s been a long time.”
“Yeah. It has.”
That was the kind of relationship we had.
It wasn’t especially tender or bittersweet. We were closer to friends than lovers.
Even so, it wasn’t a lie to say that I had loved her.
“You’re making me blush.”
“Then stop reading my thoughts.”
“No thanks. If you think nobody can hear you, you’ll start talking trash about me in your head.”
She knew me far too well.
For all our bickering, there was no doubt Alice had loved me too.
“I’d like to tell you you’re wrong… but I can’t, because you’re not.”
“Stop it. This is embarrassing.”
“Huhum.”
Still lying on her stomach, Alice looked up at me with a mischievous grin.
“So, shall we leave the greetings at that?”
“…Yeah.”
We’d exchanged enough small talk.
She hadn’t come all this way just to ask how I’d been.
“Johan… you’ve been through so much.”
“Alice…”
I really had.
I’d struggled against one impossible situation after another just to make it this far.
“When you say it like that, it sounds like you’re about to die.”
…Wait.
Was I actually going to die?
That bastard Mephi had sounded so confident. Don’t tell me she couldn’t save me after all?
“Oh, come on. Why are you so pessimistic? I’m here, aren’t I? Wouldn’t it be nice if you could stay in the same place where your beloved fiancée still lives?”
“I left behind too much. So no.”
“You mean those girls? Over me?”
“Why do you always have to phrase things like that?”
“So? Which is it?”
“…….”
The question was so unfair it bordered on cruel.
Even so, the answer came to me surprisingly easily.
“The girls.”
“Ouch. That hurt.”
“I got hurt back then too.”
“…Well. I guess I can’t really argue with that. It was my fault.”
“If you’d at least given me a hint…”
“It would’ve cheapened the time we had together. You would’ve clung to an impossible hope and wasted all your time trying to save me.”
“I can’t say you’re wrong.”
If I’d known in advance that Alice was going to die, I would’ve thrown everything I had into saving her.
Alice had simply made a choice.
She chose to spend the time she had left with me instead of gambling on an uncertain future.
You could say she lacked faith in me.
But the outcome spoke for itself.
The world wasn’t nearly that romantic, and if I’d started struggling to save her after learning the truth, I probably would’ve only ended up failing even harder.
“And besides, Johan… you don’t exactly have the strongest willpower.”
“What part of me gives you that idea?”
For the record, I was the one who’d successfully created a cure for Chris and another for Ariel.
If I’d just had enough time, maybe I could’ve saved Alice too.
“No. You would’ve lost interest before long. You’re the kind of person who only grows through suffering. The only reason you managed to save Chris and Lady Ariel was because my death became the catalyst.”
“You really think I’m that hopeless?”
“You’re exactly the type who only comes to his senses after taking a disastrous blow.”
I’d always known I could be pretty pathetic…
But was I really that bad?
“Tell me, Johan. Is there anything you’ve done that you regret?”
“No.”
“Really?”
What was she trying to say?
Why had Alice come to see me in the first place?
If she’d come only to stop me from being consumed by the End, that alone would’ve been enough for me to be grateful.
But it felt like there was something else she wanted to tell me.
“There were people you could’ve saved. But you didn’t. Sometimes because you hesitated. Sometimes because you were complacent.”
“…….”
“All of those things… do you really not regret any of them?”
“I do regret them. But they’re already over. I can’t change them now.”
“That’s right. They’re already over.”
So…
Had she come here to condemn me after all?
To tell me I was nothing more than this kind of man?
Because the truth was, I had been complacent.
There were times I could’ve acted, yet chose to stand still.
Times I deliberately looked away.
“Johan… the way out is over there.”
Alice calmly pointed past me.
There, stretching out without end, was the darkness. The End.
Whether the darkness itself was Him, or whether He lay hidden beyond it…
I didn’t know.
All I knew was that if I walked toward it now, I’d never be able to return.
Just moments ago, I’d nearly dissolved into that darkness.
I’d called the End of All Things “Father.”
I’d almost returned to His embrace.
“…Don’t tell me you’re expecting me to defeat that thing?”
“How exactly are you supposed to defeat something with no form?”
Resting her chin on her hands as she lay on her stomach, Alice simply watched me.
“Then are you telling me to die?”
“Why do you think you’re going to die?”
“Because…”
I’d almost lost myself.
I’d nearly vanished, overwhelmed by the transcendent being before me.
And now she wanted me to walk straight toward something that could only be called a god?
“Johan, everything has an end.”
“I know that. But why are you the one saying it?”
As far as I knew, Alice belonged to the Process.
The Process that came into being between the Beginning and the End.
She should’ve been an apostle created by that young transcendent being.
“…Did you switch sides?”
“I’m not someone who changes her mind at the drop of a hat. Unlike someone I know.”
“…Yeah. Fair enough. Sorry about that.”
Hard to argue when I really was the type to change my mind.
“Johan, you’ve had countless chances.”
“……”
“There were so many people you could’ve saved with only the smallest bit of help. If you hadn’t looked away… maybe Luda would’ve become your lover, and Monia could’ve been your friend.”
She kept pressing on the sore spots.
She had been from the very beginning.
More than welcoming me, it almost felt as though Alice had come here to condemn me.
But what did she expect me to do?
I already knew.
I regretted it too.
But there was nothing I could do anymore.
Regret couldn’t turn back time.
“Really?”
“…….”
“Johan, you have the power to do exactly that now. So why won’t you make peace with those old regrets?”
I knew what she meant.
Mephi’s power.
If I used Mephi’s power over time…
Maybe I really could erase every one of my regrets.
Maybe I could save Luda.
Maybe I could save Immun.
Everyone who had died for my sake.
Everyone I had been forced to kill.
Everyone I failed to understand.
Everyone I might have been able to persuade.
I could save them all.
“I won’t.”
But I wouldn’t.
“Like you said, I’m weak. I’m someone who only grows through suffering. All that pain is what made me who I am. I can’t erase it.”
“That’s admirable, Johan.”
“And by the same token… I’m not bringing you back either. Even if I spend the rest of my life suffering and regretting it, I still won’t do it. I’m sorry, Alice. If you were hoping I would… then all I can do is apologize.”
“You don’t have to apologize.”
“So?”
What was she trying to tell me now?
If all you wanted was to condemn me, then go ahead.
What else can I do? This is who I am.
“I’m glad you’re someone who can keep moving forward, even if it means leaving me behind.”
“……”
“So you’ll be able to overcome this goodbye too, won’t you?”
Tears welled up in my eyes.
Ah… right. Deep down, I already knew.
This was the last time.
The last moment I would ever see her.
She was dead. This miraculous chance would end as nothing more than a fleeting dream.
I wanted to hold on to her. I wanted to run to her and embrace her.
But I knew I couldn’t.
That was why I hadn’t moved from where I stood this whole time.
Unable to move forward.
Unable to turn back.
I could only stand there.
“Alice.”
“Yes?”
“The way you say goodbye is the worst.”
“I know.”
We could have made our ending a little more beautiful.
You could have given me a little more time.
But why?
Why was she always like this?
“But, Johan… that’s what goodbyes are like. No matter how they end, they always leave something behind. No matter how beautifully you dress them up, no matter how romantic the farewell.”
Alice stood on the gray line.
She remained at that boundary.
Still lingering somewhere along the path of my past.
“In the end, whether you can accept a goodbye… depends on your heart.”
“……”
“I hope you can accept this one as something beautiful.”
“How am I supposed to do that? We finally meet again after all this time, and all you’ve done is criticize me. Even now, you’re still picking at my deepest wounds.”
“Have you fallen out of love with me?”
“No.”
How could I?
After spending more than a decade living in your shadow…
How could I?
“Then do you still love me?”
“Yeah.”
There had never been a time when I didn’t.
No matter how many lies I told myself, no matter how much I pretended otherwise, I could never fool myself.
I still love you.
“The journey is always moving toward its end.”
“……”
“And maybe, every now and then, you’ll stop along the way and look back. When you catch a faint glimpse of everything you’ve left behind… what do you think you’ll feel?”
“……”
“Memories can be beautiful, or they can be nightmares. Johan… what are yours?”
“They’re so beautiful they feel like a nightmare.”
I still don’t know.
I can’t sum it up in a single sentence.
“Not every journey is beautiful. Not every beginning is something to look forward to. So, Johan… not every ending is one of despair.”
Alice raised a hand and pointed behind me.
Toward the heart of that terrifying darkness.
“Are you still afraid of him?”
The darkness stretched on without end.
Just looking at it sent a chill down my spine.
But the longer I gazed into it, the more I realized it wasn’t filled with darkness alone.
There were stars there too.
Tiny lights, scattered across the darkness like a canvas.
Flash!
A single beam of light descended from the darkness like a spotlight.
“Johan, it’s time to bring this performance to a close with a grand round of applause.”
It was time to let Alice go.
“The end of the performance doesn’t mean the end of everything. Just as every beginning has an end, every ending also leads to a new beginning. So, Johan…”
Flash! Flash!
Spotlights shone down on me.
Countless beams of light illuminated the path ahead.
“Now it’s time for the curtain call.”
One performance came to an end.
I lifted my head once more and looked up at the End.
I met his gaze calmly as he simply existed there.
He was neither evil nor good.
He simply existed.
It was only I who had feared the word “end” before it had even arrived.
I walked toward him.
I wanted to put a pause on all of this.
After standing still in the middle of the road for a while…
I moved forward again.
“Oh, right. Johan, can I ask you one last thing?”
“What is it?”
“What did you think of the game I made?”
My steps came to a halt again.
I glanced back at Alice through half-closed eyes.
Yeah… I’d always thought it was strange.
I never believed this world was a game, but the existence of a game like that had always felt oddly specific.
It was far too perfect to be a coincidence.
From the very beginning, that game had been something Alice prepared for me.
It was her gift.
But what can I say?
“I got bored of it pretty quickly.”
“Ouch. That hurts.”
I guess I like the ending I made a whole lot better.
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